


Here Goes Nothing

by ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x22 coda, Canon verse, Coda, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Season 11, Shipper!Sam, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:48:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6967057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial/pseuds/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MCD is not Team Free Will. 11x22 coda but more like an alternative ending to season 11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here Goes Nothing

 

 

_Here goes nothing._

 

His mind raced for a better thing to think of right now, this was _The End_. But as he saw Amara standing right in front of him with all her power, the fate of the world right at the tip of her fingers, he could think of nothing else. It was all too much, there were too many things that he needed to- that he wished he could-… He swallowed hard and took a step forward instead, ready to blow it all away.

 

Amara regarded him with that weird look she got only with him. Like she was so mesmerized by Dean even thinking he could want to refuse her like she didn’t understand why Dean wanted anything else that wasn’t having her. It made Dean feel sick, not only because of her sheer  but because he could _feel it_ , crystal clear, that there was something desperately urging him to go to her, it scared him shitless. More so now, now that he was about to kill her.

 

He walked towards her steadily, the uncertainty in her eyes and the storm in the sky slowly increasing with every step he took. He took one step, and another, and another. And then between one blink and the next, there was blinding white light all around him.

Dean staggered back the steps he’d taken, tripping and shielding his eyes, thinking lightning had just struck the patch of dirt right in front of him. His heart hammered as the flash receded. He heard voices, two to be exact.

When he finally lowered his arm from his face, his eyes widened in disbelief. Chuck was standing right in front of Amara, the siblings apparently in the middle of a heated argument, but that’s not what had Dean mumbling nonsense. It was the trench coat, right beside Chuck.

 

When he’d left the bunker both Cas and Chuck had been completely unconscious, he had spent half an hour just standing by Cas, willing him to _wake up, come back, please you need to-..._ but the angel had shown no signs of life, and now…  

 

“Wha- How? I –“ Dean took a few steps back before a hand touched his shoulder. He flinched as the fear spiked in his stomach, but when he looked behind him he instantly deflated, relief running through him at the sight of his little brother.

 

“He woke up some minutes ago and he gave Rowena an ancient spell, the next thing I knew Chuck was back up.” Sam shrugged at his brother and offered a weak smile after he shouted the half-assed explanation. Dean just nodded in shock, patting his brother’s hand and turning back around, alarmed by how loud it all was, just in time to see as actual lightning struck the glass roof above their heads, raining shards on the three divine creatures in front of the brothers.

 

The white light was intense enough that Dean thought he had been hallucinating when he first saw Cas’ wings, but the storm raged on, and every time the light intensified Dean could see them, clear as day. Two glimmering wings, their feathers a black color that showed every color of the rainbow when they shimmered, their size so big Dean truly believed one could easily just swap Amara away.

 

“STOP THIS,” Chuck said and Dean turned his gaze to him, his voice was the stuff of nightmares. He moved his hands and Amara wailed in pain and dropped to her knees, panting. Dean felt a twisted annoyance towards God, but he ignored it, and he looked on with relief, seeing Amara rendered powerless, something he hadn’t been sure he would’ve been capable of accomplishing.

 

“YOU HAVE NO RIGHT OVER CREATION” Chuck’s voice carried over the storm and probably to a few states away, he sounded godly for the first time since Dean had met him.

Amara tried to stand back up and Cas’ wings batted, huge and full of power as he and Chuck moved in unison, bringing her back down. Dean turned to look at his brother, now at his side, his eyes wide with fear and fixed on Amara.

 

“YOU’RE NOTHING!” Amara yelled and the very air around them shook. Dean turned to look at her just as her eyes suddenly shifted to Cas and he couldn’t have stopped his voice even if he’d wanted to.

 

“ _CAS!”_  He screamed at the top of his lungs and Sam barely managed to stop him from running to the angel’s side.

 

And then Cas was gone.

 

* * *

 

Cas’ grace twisted painfully, he didn’t want to leave Him. He had abandoned him and all of his brothers and sisters but Cas didn’t want to leave, he wanted to help, for as long as he could, before the inevitable happened. He stood tall, pouring all of his strength into bringing Amara back down. Right then, terrible eyes looked at him and he knew if he didn’t leave, he’d be dead in an instant. He had to do as God wanted, he needed to trust that He was right,at least this time.

 

“ _CAS!_ ”

 

Cas closed his eyes and let the voice carry him away from his Father, the angel was at Dean’s side just as the name died on the hunter’s lips.

 

Panic flew across Dean's eyes for a full second before the hunter sensed Cas’ presence, looking at his side and immediately jumping away, startled at the sight of the angel standing between him and his brother. Cas hid his wings once again and felt the corners of his mouth going up despite himself in response to Dean's reaction, some things would never change.

 

The angel could feel his father fading away just a few feet from him and his whole being ached with grief, he didn't want to look, he saw enough already without laying his eyes on them. Instead he focused on green wide eyes and a freckled nose. Cas lifted his hand to touch Dean's forehead and the hunter froze, his body tensing and his eyes shut tight. Cas waited for him to open his eyes, fondly noticing how the hunter trusted him enough to think he would just take him away from all this pain and destruction.

 

Dean opened his eyes and looked around confused.

 

“Wha- Cas? Cas, what did you do?” Dean asked, his voice giving away curiosity where there once had been dread. Cas focused with all his strength in the hunter and the light his soul gave.

 

“You're no longer a bomb,” Cas said unto green eyes. He made his best effort to smile, but as concern etched itself into Dean's face he could see he'd fallen short.

 

A distinct kind of light illuminated the right side of Dean's face and Cas frowned deeply. Life was being brutally sucked out of his Father, and if Amara’s screams were anything to go by, her existence too was coming to an end.

 

Cas decided he would watch him go, no matter for how long He’d abandoned them, how much He'd ignored him at times when he needed His guidance sorely. No matter how much He'd failed to be a father he was _still_ his Father, and if nothing else, He deserved to die in front of a son who still believed He loved them, enough at least to save their existence at the expense of His own.

 

Cas directed his eyes to the fundamental forces of creation battling in front of him. The sight was something terrifyingly beautiful, an immense light was disappearing into absolute darkness, being consumed by it as much as it was filling its void, vanishing it. He knew what he saw,millennia of creation, of resentment and the intention of absolute destruction, was not the same to the human eye. Cas knew the brothers weren't seeing it all, but he trusted they saw enough.

 

The angel looked to his left and there was Sam, eyes filled with tears, following every movement of Chuck's body, anticipating what He planned to do.

 

When he looked to his right he saw another set of green eyes filled with grief, but Dean wasn't looking at Chuck, he was looking at Cas, right into his eyes. As if he were searching for answers, for guidance, for a stronghold, as if with one look he could hold on to the angel and not let him go. And he could, he _had_ , ever since the first time they met. It had been unnerving back then, a mere human blindly believing he knew better than Cas, that he could help the angel and not the other way around, but now all Cas could think was that he'd missed that look, he’d missed it _so much._

 

Cas heard it then, God, crying out in pain, his agony joining Amara’s. His grace reached out to its creator, and every bit of his being wanted nothing more than to try and save him,he couldn't help to take a step forward, tearing his eyes from Dean and sifting them to his Father. Two sets of hands gripped his shoulders then, they were strong, but not strong enough, what really stopped Cas were the souls behind them, reaching out to him in a gesture that spoke of their love towards the angel, of their intention to keep him safe. Such small creatures humans yet they held so much power, especially the ones at his side, the ones that had always been by his side.

 

Cas stopped in his tracks and let the Winchesters catch up, both coming to stand by his side again. His Father was now on his knees, his head lolling as if he was just held up by a string. Amara was a few feet above him, her hair flying in every direction as shadows peeled from her and engulfed her brother. She was screaming, Cas could hear her clearly, but he knew that for the Winchesters, it all just sounded like a storm, a terrible one.

 

Suddenly God's vessel threw his head back and light poured out of Him, so bright it blinded even Castiel for a second. The angel felt a part of him being ripped away, then the light died out and showed there was nothing there anymore, not even a mark on the floor, not a single sign that God had just died there, sacrificing his and his sister's existence, to save creation.

 

In the short amount of time, he'd known for sure that this would happen, Castiel had anticipated the moment to be strongly emotional for him. He'd thought he'd be devastated or infuriated, he never anticipated he would be this... _empty._

 

He felt hollow, a kind of lonely he'd never felt before,not even when he was stripped of his wings and his grace, not even when his very essence had been taken. This was something that ran deeper. He felt loneliness not only within himself but within all of His creation, now they were _truly_ alone.

 

Cas hung his head then, simply because he didn't need to keep it up. Sam came closer to him and placed his head on the angel's shoulder, clutching at his arm in an almost childlike gesture, with what Cas suspected was all of his strength. His tears fell on Cas’ shoulder and Cas’ grace flailed hopelessly, sinking ever deeper in grief.

 

Cas had never experienced this before, back when the angels had thought that God was gone, they desperately tried to do His will and each one of them dealt with their grief in their own place and time, even though they were physically connected, they were never _together._

 

It wasn't until now that Cas truly experienced what it was to grieve a parent with a _brother_. A creature who is an equal to you, who suffers just as much as you do and refuses to let you suffer on your own. Sam was that he was a brother, Cas knew he wouldn't leave him alone. The angel felt an overwhelming sense of affection towards the younger Winchester, yet he didn't know what to do with it.

 

Cas bit his lips, formed fists and clenched his teeth, he could feel his vessel producing tears and it was strangely relieving. As the first tears started to fall down his face he felt a hand taking his right wrist, fingers slowly moving down his hand. Cas looked to his side just in time to see as Dean's fingers intertwined with his own.

 

Cas looked up at Dean’s face with wide eyes but the hunter was looking down, green eyes focused on their hands. The sudden movement of Cas’ head made Sam unravel from the angel but Cas couldn't take his eyes off Dean.

 

Dean didn't know. Of course, he didn't, there was no way he knew the effect he had on the angel. In the rare moments when the hunter deliberately showed him affection, Cas could forget who he was. His grace and his vessel's body felt like one, he felt an irrational need to breathe and his skin craved warmth, but not just any warmth, _his._ In all of the millennia he'd lived through, he'd heard about love and about want and about need, but he could've never guessed he would ever experience such an intense feeling, and much less where he would find it. What he felt for Dean was the only thing Cas knew to be immeasurable, the only thing that existed without time, the only thing that had no bounds, when it came to that feeling nothing else made sense, and it all paled in comparison.

 

So Dean obviously didn't know, he didn't know Cas would notice how fast his heart was beating,how he swallowed hard and breathed deeply and only through his nose. He didn't know what he did to Cas when he  squeezed the angel’s hand and then let go, his warmth leaving all too soon making the angel feel lost again.He didn't know Cas wanted nothing more than to reach and take the hunter's hand back into his, but he just didn't have the strength.

 

* * *

 

Dean heard the soft ‘thud’ of Sam's hand on Cas’ arm and he felt the angel step away from him almost reluctantly.

 

His heart was _racing._ He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deep,once, willing his whole body to just _calm the fuck down_ before he got a heart attack or something.

 

 _That was stupid._ He shouldn't have done that, he was already shocked and on edge from watching not only Amara die but also God, the almighty,  real-deal, Hallowed-be-thy-Name, God. Dean had never been big on Faith but he did know God had created all things, and now he was dead _._ And not dead like in the business but _dead_ , for good.

 

So yeah, of course, his heart was racing, of course, he couldn't breathe properly. But then Cas was crying, he was _crying_ and Dean’s body had to come up with the amazing idea that he had to link their hands together. _Stupid_. As if he didn't already know what touching Cas like that did to him.

 

Dean shook his head and opened his eyes, just in time to see Sam wiping away his tears as he hugged Cas. Dean almost rolled his eyes. _Fucking finally_. These last few weeks Dean had constantly felt he was the only one who even cared about Cas, everyone had always been too worried or too busy or too done of Dean asking the same question over and over. It was good seeing Sam finally showing his love for the guy, Dean hoped it helped Cas, even in the slightest, he was pleased to see Cas was hugging his brother back.

 

As soon as they let go, Cas turned back to Dean. Dean swallowed around the knot in his throat, it was  killing him. He'd never seen the angel like this, he'd seen him in pain, physical pain and emotional pain but never like this, never so ...defeated. Under every circumstance Cas had always been full of hope, always a wish to make things better, always the strength to _try to fix it,_ just one more time, every time. But not now. Now he just looked _tired_ , like he just didn't care anymore.

 

The angel was giving Dean _that_ look, the one that always made him nervous, the one that made him feel frustrated and powerless, the one that said Cas wanted something from him, _needed_ something from him, but he just didn't know what it was. It used to annoy the shit out of Dean but now it was eating him alive if he only knew...If he could guess what it was that the angel needed he'd give it to him, no hesitation, no questions asked,but he couldn't know, he couldn't _help._

 

“Cas?” Dean called and his voice cracked at the end. Before he could stop himself his hand was clutching the angel's arm.

 

“Dean,” Cas said. The rasp of that voice calling his name made Dean feel the most relieved he'd been in weeks.

 

“Hey,” Dean whispered, his tone awed and his breath leaving him in one big gulp that made his body slump. He smiled a little at the angel, glad that Cas was… _there. “_ You okay?”

 

Cas shook his head almost imperceptibly and his eyes filled with tears again. Dean's soul ached, he didn't know what to do, he wanted nothing more than to pull the angel into his arms, but… So many things had happened, and so many of them had been Dean's fault, he felt inevitably guilty, he felt undeserving and selfish and…

 

“Guys? I think we should head back to the bunker” Sam’s voice cut through their bubble and Dean turned to look at him. Sam shrugged apologetically. “It's getting dark and I think it's safe to say we all need to get some rest… And the thought of Rowena and Crowley still at the bunker it's making me nervous.” Sam made a worried face and Dean rolled his eyes fondly at him.

 

“They're not there anymore,” Cas said. Sam raised his eyebrows and Dean turned to the angel with an almost smile.

 

“Thanks, Cas,” he told him. He searched for blue eyes before he voiced his next question, “do you- Do you wanna come back to the bunker with us?” _Please?_

 

Cas’ eyes met his for a second and Dean managed to give him one hopeful nod before he looked away again. For a moment, Cas remained silent, looking at the spot where Chuck had been just minutes ago.

 

“Okay.” Cas finally said, tearing his eyes away from the spot and immediately turning around, starting to walk outside, in search of the Impala.

 

Dean watched him go, feeling as if a bag of bricks was just sitting in his heart. Sam cleared his throat and Dean turned to him.

 

“Maybe I should drive,” Sam said, absentmindedly scratching his neck. Dean just frowned in response. “Look, Dean” Sam sighed, “you should ride in the back with him, I don’t think he should be alone right now, and either way there’s no reason for him to be...not again, not ever again.”

 

“Yeah,” Dean said, taking a deep breath, “Yeah, Sammy I hear ya, but-” Dean loved every bit of what Sam was saying, but then again, he wasn’t sure where he stood with Cas. “I’m not sure he wants me to-”

 

“Dean,” Sam raised his voice enough to cut Dean mid-sentence, “for once, just trust me on this, he needs you”

 

His little brother was looking at him straight in the eye, showing him he truly believed in what he was saying, yet that didn’t mean he was right. “Sam I-”

 

“No, Dean.” Sam cut him off again, this time grabbing his arm, “Listen to me. I’m not saying Cas needs something, or someone, I’m saying Cas needs _you_ . Right now. You’re the one who’s been insisting we bring him home for- I don’t even know how long now, Dean. Just _be there_ for him now. How hard can that be?” Sam raised his eyebrows expectantly and Dean swept a hand over his face.

 

“No, you’re right,” Dean said, he shook his head helplessly, “of course, you’re right I- ” he dug into his pocket and pulled his keys out, “here.” he handed his keychain to Sam and patted his shoulder before walking outside.

 

Cas was standing in front of the Impala’s back door, Dean vaguely wondered why he hadn’t just opened the lock and gotten inside. When he arrived at the angel’s side, Dean carefully placed his hand on his shoulder. Blue eyes turned a questioning look on him and Dean made his best effort to smile.

 

“Here,” Dean said as he opened the door for Cas, “Let’s go home”

 

Cas looked at the open door and then at Dean, Dean smiled encouragingly and the angel nodded, small and quiet but it was better than nothing if you asked Dean.

 

* * *

 

A few miles after Sam started driving, Cas had still not looked away from the window and Dean was starting to get worried. Cas was completely still, just looking out the window with a lost expression. Dean, on the other hand, was starting to get jittery, bouncing his knees and tapping his fingers to the front seat in turn, which oddly just meant he was able to pay even more attention to Cas, and when the angel sighed quietly, Dean just couldn’t stay quiet anymore.

 

“Cas?” Dean said, he kept his voice down, he had no reason to but he did.

 

“Yes, Dean?” the angel spoke without looking at him and it broke Dean’s heart.

 

“ _Cas,_ ” Dean repeated, practically pleading, “Hey, Cas,” this time he placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder, slowly rubbing Cas’ arm. “you’re okay, man. It’s gonna be okay” his voice was breaking but that was the least of his worries at the moment. Cas just nodded and Dean let his hand drop again.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked, trying another approach, “you know I was thinking maybe, I mean if you weren’t planning to do anything else, you could- um , you could stay with us for a few days...At the bunker? You know your room’s still there” Dean murmured and Cas turned to him, big blue eyes making Dean nervous. “Of course, if you have something you need to do instead we'll completely understand. You don't have to-”

 

“Dean,” Cas whispered and he sounded broken, his eyes were just seconds away from spilling more tears and he shook his head helplessly “I don't know what to do,” he said defeated, and Dean not only saw Cas anymore. He saw Castiel the powerful angel, the ancient being, the one who'd seen it all and still held hope it would all turn out okay; he saw him lost. It took Dean's breath away.

 

“I don't know what to do either, Cas, ‘s okay, you don't have to,” Dean told him. He felt all of his being wanting to reach out to comfort his best friend but he felt too small in front of the creature sitting just a few inches away from him. When Cas didn't answer, Dean tried again, this time reaching out to take the angel's hand hesitantly. “Stay with us ...at least for a while.” Dean's hand was just above Cas’ now and his heart was racing once again, “It'll be alright, we'll figure it out, _together."_ Cas looked down at their hands and then back at Dean with a look of pure sorrow.

 

Dean's heart twisted painfully as the angel nodded and looked away again. He took his hand back before it touched the angel's and the air left him in a rush, he was panting now. He'd messed up, too much of this mess was his fault, he'd broken an angel and not just any angel, he'd broken _Cas_. He didn't just mess with the existence of one of the most ancient and wisest creatures around, he also contributed to what was tearing his best friend apart, the person he loved the most outside of his family was now also broken and it all just went to show how he shouldn't touch… Anything at all.

 

Dean looked up and saw Sam worriedly eyeing him. He tried hard not to think about all the things he should've been saying to his brother too, all the things he should’ve been apologizing for.

 

“Eyes on the road” he croaked instead and Sammy scoffed, looking back to the road. Dean smiled weakly and went to sit as far away from Cas as he could.

 

* * *

 

Once they were back in the bunker, after Sam soundly dismissed all of Dean's attempts to apologize, they head for the main room, finding no one there.

 

“You know what? I'll clean up this mess, you guys go get some rest” Sam said, his big hands already picking up a hundred things at once.

 

“You need to get some rest too, Sammy,” Dean told him, a weak attempt to stall and Sam knew it.

 

“I will, Dean” his little brother answered sincerely, “ why don't you take Cas to his room?”

 

The angel looked between the brothers. He looked better, as soon as they got to the bunker he visibly relaxed, he looked more like their Cas now and Dean liked to believe it was because he felt he was home too.

 

“ ‘Course” Dean mumbled, walking past his brother and patting his back before getting to Cas. “C’mon Cas,” he said tilting his head towards the hall, not daring to touch the angel. Cas smiled softly at Sam before he turned and followed Dean.

 

Cas room was the one right next to Dean's. When they reach the door, Dean opened it, letting a cloud of dust fly out.

 

“Crap, sorry” Dean said between coughs, “we haven't cleaned it since you were here the last time,” it was true, the room was just as Cas had left it, the bed covers haphazardly thrown in a corner, several books lying around open and the TV pushed right in front of the bed.

 

“I'll bring you new sheets and we'll clean this up in a sec,” Dean said to Cas, he was already inside the room fondly looking around. He turned to Dean.

 

“Thank you, Dean,” he said. Dean's heart dropped to the floor and he shivered, he didn't deserve this, under no point of view was it even remotely okay for Cas to be thanking him. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. How could he have done this? How could he have hurt the most forgiving and inherently good person he would ever know?

 

“Cas,” he said, his voice breaking embarrassingly. The angel saw the tears in Dean's eyes and took a step towards him, already worrying about him again. “No, _Cas,_ ” the hunter shook his head, trying and failing to prevent the tears from falling. “Oh, hell, I'm _so sorry_ ” he wiped at his face furiously as Cas took two more steps until he was right in front of Dean. Dean felt like he could drop to his knees, but he didn't think he had the strength, so he hung his head instead, not wanting to look at those sky blue eyes. “Please forgive me I don't-” Dean gulped, unable to suppress a sob, “I never- the last thing I wanted was for you to make another sacrifice, _for me_. I never wanted to hurt you Cas, I didn't-” Cas placed his hand on Dean's arm then and the hunter took a breath to try to compose himself.

 

“ _Dean,_ what are you saying? This isn't your fault” Cas said, his voice urgent. Dean frowned deeply.

 

“What do you mean this isn't my fault? Of course, it is Cas!” He looked up at the angel with an alarmed look and Cas tightened his grip.

 

“I needed to take the Mark off you, I let my guard down when Rowena put the spell on me, I chose to let Lucifer into my vessel and I brought God back, and then I let him die. How is any of this your fault?” Tears were filling Cas’ eyes again by the time he stopped talking and Dean couldn't believe his ears.

 

“Aren't you listening to what you're saying? If it hadn't been for the Mark none of this would've happened! And I was the one carrying it!”

 

“Dean-” Cas tried to cut him off but Dean wasn't anywhere near letting him take the blame.

 

“No, Cas! That spell almost killed you! And then _he_ gave you who-knows-what to hypnotize you and then _she_ tortured you! You just watched your Father _die_ ! And you're gonna tell me I shouldn't apologize?! _Bullshit”_ Dean wiped at his eyes again, annoyed at his blurry vision.

 

“I wasn't hypnotized when I said yes” Cas told him quietly.

 

“Cas-” Dean shook his head, he stubbornly refused to believe Cas would ever do that. Not without telling him why would he…

 

“Dean, I wasn't. It's the truth. I was useless and I couldn't stop Amara so I-” Dean cut him off then.

 

“I couldn't stop Amara either! Doesn't mean I had to let the Devil ride around inside my body!!! You’re not useless what the hell do you mean?!” Dean was practically shouting, but he couldn't give a damn if Sam heard or not.

 

“I was of no use to you like this, Dean” Cas answered, lowering his head to avoid looking at Dean.

 

“How can you say that?” Dean whispered,barely audible. Why would Cas think that, didn't he know? Didn't he understand how much Dean needed him? Dean had said this before why would Cas think otherwise? “Cas, I need you, I've told you this before, don’t you understand what you do to me every time you leave like this? Without telling me a word?” The angel looked up at Dean and he could see the confusion in his blue eyes. Dean shook his head, “I understand that I need you more than you need me, but man this has gotta mean something to you!” Dean spoke desperately into Cas’ eyes “You can't just- I can't… I _need_ you” he repeated, he felt like no matter how many times he said it it would never be enough.

 

“I know, Dean,” Cas said tiredly “and I do everything that is in my power to help you solve whatever global problem is unjustly thrown at you, that's why-,” every word Cas said deepened Dean's confusion and indignation.

 

“I don't care!” He cut him off with a tone that was just a little too hard and so he lowered his voice “I mean yeah thanks, Cas. From the bottom of my heart, you're awesome.” Dean was being sincere, his hands were moving, articulating with him and Dean knew Cas understood this as his sign of speaking frankly. He went on, “But that isn't why I need you, I don't need you to solve my problems and heal my wounds, I don't care about that!” Dean shook his head frantically, “ I need you to _be_ by my side! The world could end and I wouldn't fucking care if I had you and Sam by my side, don’t you understand?” he looked at Cas expectantly, but the angel just looked back with a mix of awe and disbelief.

 

“You don't do you? You didn't know this before,” Dean stated, not asking anymore, confirming the knowledge with every second he looked into Cas’ eyes, “of course you didn’t.” Dean swept a hand over his face, of course, the most clueless angel didn't even realize the guy he'd saved had fallen in love with him, “Jesus, Castiel you're unbelievable,”

 

When he looked at him again, Cas was smiling at Dean, that small adorable thing he gave the hunter every time he felt pleased with something he'd said or done.

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“I need you too.” Cas answered, and Dean’s heart fluttered pathetically, “Ever since the first time you told me this I’ve wanted to tell you, but I never did.” The angel smiled again. “Dean, I need you too. You don’t need me more than I need you, you need to know that.”

 

Every word Cas was saying was getting him drunk with relief, but Dean couldn't accept it, he shouldn't-

 

“You still don't think you deserve this do you?” Cas asked, squinting just like the first time he'd said it, “You don't think you deserve to be saved, you don't think you deserve-” Cas took Dean's hand and interlaced their fingers, “my affection” goosebumps rose on Dean's arm, from every point where Cas was touching him all the way up to his shoulder, he wanted so desperately to feel this constantly, but Cas was right, he didn't deserve this, and he said so.

 

“Cas, I don't” Dean confirmed. The angel’s eyes had been locked in their hands since he'd joined them, he squeezed their hands now.

 

“It'll be enough for me if you want it,” Cas said and Dean squeezed his hand back.

 

“Cas I-” Dean ran out of words,he had no way of voicing what he was feeling, there was too much need and want, but there was also fear and guilt. And he didn't deserve this, Cas was too good for him.

 

“Dean,you are the single, most inspiring thing I've encountered in all of my existence.” The angel raised his eyes to look into Dean's, “Do you know what that means? Do you understand how incredible that makes you?” There was nothing but sincerity in those blue eyes and Dean’s soul was singing with pure joy at every word of what Cas was trying to say, “I saw humanity begin to exist, I've seen all there is to see in every planet of every galaxy, I've seen wars and I've seen revolutions, I've seen geniuses be born and die, yet none of it has ever inspired me the way that you do.” It was insane what Cas was saying, it made no sense; and it was ridiculous how much Dean wanted to believe it,  “You _are_ worth saving Dean Winchester, and more than that you're worth loving. I would give my life for you as many times as I had to”

 

 _Damn it, Cas._ Dean believed him, as ridiculous as it was he did.

 

“You know I'd do the same right?” Dean asked to bright blue beautiful eyes, “You know that's how I feel about you?”

 

“I do now” Cas answered. The angel smiled serenely and brought their foreheads together. Dean felt a suspicious warmth spread through his chest.

 

“Did you just…?” Dean asked, their noses were practically bumping and their breaths were mingling. Cas nodded innocently.

 

“You had a fractured rib and it was bothering you” the angel confirmed. Dean frowned deeply in response. He'd just said-

 

“It was bothering me too” Cas added. Dean laughed then, a real laugh,the first in about a month of uninterrupted pain.

 

Cas gifted him his widest smile and Dean basked in its light. He couldn't believe it, he didn't know what, but he had done something _very_ right for this to be happening.

 

“Cas I'm sorry,” Dean told him again, “I should've told you this before, you should've known all along and-” Cas cut him off once again.

 

“Dean, it doesn't matter anymore.” He smiled, “We know now.” there was nothing more to say, Dean knew they both wanted this and there was nothing standing in the way. He could see what Cas wanted written in his eyes like an open book and he wanted to give it to him now that he finally knew what it was, but he shook his head stubbornly.

 

“But you deserve better,” he told the angel.

 

“So do you,” Cas said simply, then he tilted his head in that gorgeous way of his “yet, that's not what either of us wants”

 

Dean's whole body reacted to Cas’ words, every single part of him reached for Cas and only Cas, and for the first time, Dean listened. He leaned in and finally pressed their lips together. Cas’ soft lips moved against his and Dean melted against him. The way Cas kissed him was Holy, this had to be what they meant when they referred to something as sacred, Dean had never felt something so pure and so good. His left hand squeezed Cas’ fingers between his and his right hand came up to tangle in Cas’ hair before he had to let go to get air.

 

He opened his eyes and smiled at blue ones, slightly panting. Cas answered with a smile of his own, his body slumping slightly against Dean’s.

 

“You need to rest” Dean said, Cas nodded and Dean chuckled as he brushed Cas’ hair from his forehead. “I'll go get you some clothes okay?” Dean stepped away from him, but Cas didn't let go of his hand. Dean frowned and went back to stand in front of Cas searching his eyes.

 

“Hey,” he whispered, “ what is it? Do you wanna talk about it before I go?” Dean rubbed small soothing circles in the back of Cas’ hands. Cas shook his head.

 

“No, I just,” Cas said, swallowing, “I don't wanna stay”

 

Dean's stomach dropped to the floor, and when Cas saw the horror in his eyes the angel rushed to explain.

 

“I mean in the room,” Cas took Dean's other hand, “on my own”

 

“Oh,” Dean said dumbly as the realization hit him. He laughed at himself a bit before he talked again, “it's okay, you don't have to” Dean pulled the angel close and kissed the top of his head. “C’mon” Dean took the angel to his room.

 

In Dean's room, he offered Cas two sets of clothes to change. He held up one pair of pants saying “these are comfy”, and another saying “but these would probably fit you better”. Cas chose the ‘comfy’ ones. Then Dean showed him a plain white T-shirt and an AC/DC one, but Cas pointed at the floor near the closet, saying he wanted to wear the gray T-shirt that was there. Dean told him “Cas that's what I wore to sleep last night, don't you want one that's clean?” And Cas said no, he wanted the dirty one.

 

They argued for a while over what should they do with the clothes Cas had been wearing and they agreed on throwing away the suit, but washing the trench coat, not to use it but because Cas said he wanted to keep it.

 

They kissed, repeatedly, their conversation turned deeper as the night went on and they talked about their fathers, and about their weeks apart. They forgot to go back to clean Cas’ room and Dean finally fell asleep at 6am in the middle of explaining to Cas why he thought pecan pie was the best one. His head rested on Cas’ shoulder and Cas leaned against him, closing his eyes, feeling the best he'd felt in the last month.

 

And that's how they started the new day, in a world that had just been saved by the very skin of its teeth.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm super nervous about the finale tonight so here, this is how I deal. 
> 
> Whoever you are, I'm honoured that you would take some of your precious time to read my work and I would love to hear from you. ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ) You can find me [here](http://research-blackwings-denial.tumblr.com/) and in the comments section.
> 
> Have a happy finale day! ✿


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